搞笑算命台词

1. 算命搞笑短语

赛半仙

有个算命先生，自称“赛半仙”。据说，他不需人家开口，便知道吉凶。

一天，一个愁眉苦脸的老头前来算命。“赛半仙”察颜观色地说：“我看你是有难言之隐啊！” 老头摇摇头。

“是儿女不孝吧？”

老头还是摇头。

“是晚年丧妻？”

还是摇头不止。

“赛半仙”连猜不中，有点发慌了，又一口气说了许多不吉利的事情，但老头还是一个劲地摇头。“赛半仙”实在是山穷水尽，只好恳求道：“你到底为什么事情来算命的？”

“求你算算我这个摇头晃脑病什么时候能够治好？”

活神仙真神

有一年，天大旱，有一个人去找一个活神仙求雨，活神仙烧了一炷香，递给他一个封好的字条说：“下了雨，你才能拆开看，否则就不灵。”这个人一回家，就下了一场大雨，他拆开封好的字条一看：“今日下雨。”这个人惊叫起来：“呀！活神仙真神呀！”

有一个人，三十几岁了依然事业无成，工作也找不到，事业也做不成，都一直赚不到钱。

于是，去找算命师算个命看看。

“你啊，将会一直穷困僚倒，直到四十岁。”

那个人听了，眼睛为之一亮，心想有转机了，马上问说：“然后呢？”

“然后喔………”算命师看了一下他的命盘接着说：“然后你就习惯了！！”

算命先生：“喂，你怎么算了命不给钱？”

顾客：“怎么，你难道没有算出我一个钱也没有吗？”

有个人去算命，算命师写了一张字条给他，然后跟他说：你的命是

"大富大贵 没有大灾难 要小心！！"那个人听完就很高兴的离开了。

隔没几天，他在路上被车子撞断条腿，好了之后，他就很生气的去找算命师理论：

你前几天不是告诉我，我是大富大贵，没有大灾难的命吗？怎麽我被车子撞断条腿！！

结果，那个算命师拿起那张字条，然后慢司条理地跟他说：先生，你大概没有注意看，

其实我的意思是。.你的命是"大富大贵没有 大灾难要小心！！"

一位小姐让大街上的一个瞎子为她算命。 算命先生摸着她的手指，对她说：“小姐，你的命不好！” 小姐听了瞎子的话急忙问：“你为什么说我的命不好？” 算命的瞎子回答说：“因为你身上带有凶兆！” 小姐听后急了，说：“那我把戴的胸罩脱了行了吧？” 算命先生回答说：“不行，你一脱了凶兆，就会出现人生的两个大波！”

有一个人，三十几岁了依然事业无成，工作也找不到，事业也做不成，都一直赚不到钱，

於是，去找算命师算个命看看。.

"你啊，将会一直穷困僚倒，直到四十岁。。"

那个人听了，眼睛为之一亮，心想有转机了，马上问说：然后呢？

"然后喔。。"算命师看了一下他的命盘接着说："然后你就习惯了！！"

2. 谁有小品《算命》的剧本 急求

英语短剧：The Fox and the Tiger（狐假虎威） T---Tiger F---Fox R---Rabbit B---Bird Fr---Frog B----Bear Tiger: I'm a great tiger. I'm very strong. I'm very brave. I'm the king of the forest.But now I'm very hungry. I must find sth. to eat at once, or I'll die immediately. Oh, there's nothing here. And here is nothing, either. Oh, I want to have a rest. (Sleep soundly) Fox: I'm a fox. You can see, I'm pretty and lovely. I'm good at cheating 0and telling lies. Just now I cheated a crew out of a piece of meat. Mm, Mm, Mm. How delicious it is! Tiger: Ah, a fox. A good meal. Ah, a good meal. Fox: Oh, my God! What should I do Yes, I have a good idea. Yes, a good idea. Hello! Tiger sister! How are you Tiger: Not so good. I'm very hungry now. I want to eat you. Fox: Oh, my dear! How dare you say that! I'm the king of the forest! I'm the king of the forest! If you want to eat me, I will let you die right now. Tiger: She is the king. She is cheating me. I can't belive her. I'm the king of the forest here. Fox: If you don't believe me, just follow me and see who is the king of the forest. Tiger: Ok. Let's go. Rabbit: I'm a rabbit. I like to eat a turnip. Ah, a big turnip. Oh! It's too hard. I can't pull it out. Bird: I'm a bird. Rabbit: Hi! Bird: Hi! What are doing here, Miss Rabbit Can I help you Rabbit: Yes, please. Frog: I'm a frog. Hello! What are you doing here What can I do for you R&B: Yes, come on! Frog : Ok! I'm coming! Bear: I'm a big brown bear. Hello, everyone! What are you doing here R,B&F: Come on! Come on! Mr. Bear! You are so strong. Please come here. There is a big turnip. We are all puling it out. Please come and help us. Bear: Ok! I'm coming. Fox: Hello, Bear! Bear: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away) Fox: Hello, Frog! Frog: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away) Fox: Hello, Bird! Bird: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away) Fox: Hello, Rabbit! Rabbit: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away) Fox: Tiger, Now, you see. They are so frightened! They all run away! Tiger: Yes, you are right. It's true. I'm very sorry. You are the king of the forest. That's all right. I will run away. He is the king. He is the king. Fox: Wa! There is a big turnip. Now, the turnip belongs to me.。